Smokey and Woodsy Deported from California after Worst Fire in History

The mascots agreed that hundreds of environmental front groups have colluded with politicians to murder their forested friends.

Author’s note: Now that LA is burning, where are our precious forest mascots when we need them? Using my nom de plume of Huey P. Newsom, I wrote this in 2018 for the now-defunct Sacramento Brie.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (Sacramento Brie) — Two treasured mascots for the American forest have been banned from California for suggesting the state’s politicized environmental policies were the proximate cause of the worst wildfires in the Golden State’s history.

“Smokey the Bear and Woodsy Owl are no longer welcome here,” said Gov. Jerry Brown after the two cultural icons were deported on Wednesday. “And take the deer with you, whoever that is. We don’t take kindly to collusion.”

The deportation order came just hours after the three protectors of the forest answered questions from the press while standing in a decimated Mendocino neighborhood.

“Look, it’s obvious to me that an overabundance of fuel load — things like twigs and leaves that make it possible for fires to burn — make fires more intense,” said Smokey. “Why haven’t 129 million dead trees been thinned from my back yard?”

“It is apparent from my survey flights that California’s trees have not yet recovered from the drought,” said Woodsy. “We have to do a better job of thinning overly dense forests so they are healthier and better able to survive stressors like this in the future.”

State officials tried to shut down the press conference, but the unknown deer pushed his way to the microphone.

“Extreme environmentalists have repeatedly petitioned the Bureau of Land Management, and halted companies from removing dead and dying timber,” said the deer. “This has nothing to do with climate change. This has to do with active forest management.”

All three mascots agreed that hundreds of environmental front groups have colluded with politicians to murder their forested friends.

“I don’t give a shit if they’re on the Endangered Species list or not,” said Gov. Brown. “They’re outta here.”

The Sacramento Brie attempted to determine the identity of the deer, but U.S. Department of Agriculture officials did not immediately return our calls.